Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Hot criminals

Casey Hicks was arrested in June, 2000 for selling 49 ecstasy tablets to an undercover cop in New York. In January 2001, she copped a reduced felony plea for the $400 drug deal.

Since then, she has inspired many internet surfers to behave very badly. Not in the sense of inspiring them to follow in her criminal footsteps, but of using her mugshot "for masturbatory purposes."

That's why she threatened to sue thesmokinggun.com for having posted it on their site, as part of a "Foxy Felons" collection.

Her attorney Terry Bork contends that thesmokinggun’s publication of Hicks’s photo and details of her rap sheet somehow invades the beautiful young felon’s privacy and holds her up to ridicule.

The posting of his client’s picture, Bork claims, has led Hicks to become fearful for her safety, since she has become a topic of discussion of unnamed “numerous blogs.” Making matters worse, he adds, the posting of Hicks’s photo “has invited members of the public” to use her mug shot for masturbatory purposes.

So, to do your part in making sure The Smoking Gun doesn’t get sued, whatever you do, please follow my example and DO NOT MASTURBATE TO CASEY HICKS’ MUGSHOT.


Monday, September 24, 2007

Hot enough?

Tired of looking at ugly people on dating sites? Think you deserve better? So did Jason Pellegrino. Being far too handsome for conventional sites, he decided to start one purely for the beautiful people, such as himself.

It's called hotenough.com and is a sort of online version of Studio 54, the exclusive '70s disco where gaining admission was determined by how well you had done in the genetic lottery.

As Jason says in his introduction, "Attractive, fit singles like you deserve an above average dating pool and the leading online dating sites just don’t meet that standard."

Those who yearn to mingle with the beautiful people on HotEnough must submit three pictures. One must be a full-length shot to rule out undercover fatties. "There are some girls out there who have a real pretty face but may be on the heavy side. Unfortunately, that's not what we're going for," Pellegrino said.

Jason himself rates an 8.2, although one unkind commentator had this to say after finding a photo of the HotEnough founder online:
"Note the dopey smile, receding hairline, shiny forehead and Jay Leno chin on our magnate of hotness. (Not to mention the over-gelled hair, complete absence of neck and dorky pairing of black blazer and red t-shirt).

Maybe he was just bitter about not being hot enough.


Phallic Logo Award

"We asked our readers to send in the best cock logos from around the world for our team of experts to evaluate." said the people at b3ta.com. " Now we present to you the very cream of the cocks."

And it's a very impressive line-up, indeed. Each of the seventeen finalists is given a “cock mark” for its resemblance to a penis and testicles, and shown along with judges' comments.

A Czech sausage company has their logo accurately described as "1920s transvestite oral sex action", The Irish equality authority logo "Looks like a dick with 3 nails driven into it" and my favourite, Real Estate One, showed "full cock and balls. Solidly constructed.'

But the winner of the B3TA Phallic Logo Awards, inevitably, was the anal-themed Brazilian Institute for Oriental Studies.

As the judges said, by way of explaining why they decided to put it in first place: “Oh, just look at it.”


Monday, September 10, 2007

Air Sex

Air sex is the most important cultural phenomenon of the new century. It's the act of having sex with an imaginary partner and about the only way to get a sex video onto youtube.com.

The craze originated in Japan, as you would expect, and has swept the globe.

Current air sex champion Cobra admits to never having had sex with a woman, and when you read about his technique, you'll have no reason to doubt this claim.

"You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you," he said. "When you get down to air sex, you've got to immerse yourself in the air sex world."

"Air sex can't be performed in half-measures," he continued. "If it is, you're only asking for trouble."

Another exponent of the art explained that in Japan, there was a massive gap between those who could get sex and those who couldn't. Air sex was a way of bridging that gap.

Arguably the finest air sex video shows an orgy featuring Peer Pressure, the first (and probably last) air sex group. These playas have names like Satisfaktion, PipeLaya and Pre$$ure and have air sex in a variety of positions - against the door, in front of the mirror and on an ottoman.

"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex," explained J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Game porn, accidental

The Accidental Video Game Porn Archive collects screenshots from video games which show various pixelated figures in unintentional compromising positions.

A clip from Kung Fu (1984) shows a martial artist kneeling before two men with purple hair. His face is pressed into the groin of one of them, who seems to be experiencing extreme pleasure.

Meanwhile, a screenshot from Sims 2 (2004) shows a couple apparently about to start shagging, while there is definite evidence of an alien handjob in Star Wars Galaxies (2003).


Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Scary Personals

www.scarypersonals.com is the home of the most terrifying personal ad photos on the net, or as they put it "Some personal ads are just begging to be made fun of. That's where we come in"

You can't begin to imagine what some of these people were thinking when they chose the photo to put online. The photo that would tell the world why they would be perfect dating material.

Amongst the pictures is one of a twenty-something woman in a plaid flannel jacket, sitting astride a large moose she has just killed. She is smiling, probably secure in the knowledge that any man looking would find her irresistible.

Then there's the man who looks like a young version of Hannibal Lecter with a goatee. He's holding a frightened-looking kitten in one hand, obviously to show how sensitive he is. Instead, you fear for the poor creature's safety.

Sex and shopping

Actor Paul Bettany must have been delighted when his wife, Oscar-winner Jennifer Connolly, shared with Esquire magazine (circulation around 700,000) that she liked do online shopping while she was having sex with him.