Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Hot criminals

Casey Hicks was arrested in June, 2000 for selling 49 ecstasy tablets to an undercover cop in New York. In January 2001, she copped a reduced felony plea for the $400 drug deal.

Since then, she has inspired many internet surfers to behave very badly. Not in the sense of inspiring them to follow in her criminal footsteps, but of using her mugshot "for masturbatory purposes."

That's why she threatened to sue thesmokinggun.com for having posted it on their site, as part of a "Foxy Felons" collection.

Her attorney Terry Bork contends that thesmokinggun’s publication of Hicks’s photo and details of her rap sheet somehow invades the beautiful young felon’s privacy and holds her up to ridicule.

The posting of his client’s picture, Bork claims, has led Hicks to become fearful for her safety, since she has become a topic of discussion of unnamed “numerous blogs.” Making matters worse, he adds, the posting of Hicks’s photo “has invited members of the public” to use her mug shot for masturbatory purposes.

So, to do your part in making sure The Smoking Gun doesn’t get sued, whatever you do, please follow my example and DO NOT MASTURBATE TO CASEY HICKS’ MUGSHOT.


Monday, September 24, 2007

Hot enough?

Tired of looking at ugly people on dating sites? Think you deserve better? So did Jason Pellegrino. Being far too handsome for conventional sites, he decided to start one purely for the beautiful people, such as himself.

It's called hotenough.com and is a sort of online version of Studio 54, the exclusive '70s disco where gaining admission was determined by how well you had done in the genetic lottery.

As Jason says in his introduction, "Attractive, fit singles like you deserve an above average dating pool and the leading online dating sites just don’t meet that standard."

Those who yearn to mingle with the beautiful people on HotEnough must submit three pictures. One must be a full-length shot to rule out undercover fatties. "There are some girls out there who have a real pretty face but may be on the heavy side. Unfortunately, that's not what we're going for," Pellegrino said.

Jason himself rates an 8.2, although one unkind commentator had this to say after finding a photo of the HotEnough founder online:
"Note the dopey smile, receding hairline, shiny forehead and Jay Leno chin on our magnate of hotness. (Not to mention the over-gelled hair, complete absence of neck and dorky pairing of black blazer and red t-shirt).

Maybe he was just bitter about not being hot enough.


Phallic Logo Award

"We asked our readers to send in the best cock logos from around the world for our team of experts to evaluate." said the people at b3ta.com. " Now we present to you the very cream of the cocks."

And it's a very impressive line-up, indeed. Each of the seventeen finalists is given a “cock mark” for its resemblance to a penis and testicles, and shown along with judges' comments.

A Czech sausage company has their logo accurately described as "1920s transvestite oral sex action", The Irish equality authority logo "Looks like a dick with 3 nails driven into it" and my favourite, Real Estate One, showed "full cock and balls. Solidly constructed.'

But the winner of the B3TA Phallic Logo Awards, inevitably, was the anal-themed Brazilian Institute for Oriental Studies.

As the judges said, by way of explaining why they decided to put it in first place: “Oh, just look at it.”


Monday, September 10, 2007

Air Sex

Air sex is the most important cultural phenomenon of the new century. It's the act of having sex with an imaginary partner and about the only way to get a sex video onto youtube.com.

The craze originated in Japan, as you would expect, and has swept the globe.

Current air sex champion Cobra admits to never having had sex with a woman, and when you read about his technique, you'll have no reason to doubt this claim.

"You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you," he said. "When you get down to air sex, you've got to immerse yourself in the air sex world."

"Air sex can't be performed in half-measures," he continued. "If it is, you're only asking for trouble."

Another exponent of the art explained that in Japan, there was a massive gap between those who could get sex and those who couldn't. Air sex was a way of bridging that gap.

Arguably the finest air sex video shows an orgy featuring Peer Pressure, the first (and probably last) air sex group. These playas have names like Satisfaktion, PipeLaya and Pre$$ure and have air sex in a variety of positions - against the door, in front of the mirror and on an ottoman.

"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex," explained J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Game porn, accidental

The Accidental Video Game Porn Archive collects screenshots from video games which show various pixelated figures in unintentional compromising positions.

A clip from Kung Fu (1984) shows a martial artist kneeling before two men with purple hair. His face is pressed into the groin of one of them, who seems to be experiencing extreme pleasure.

Meanwhile, a screenshot from Sims 2 (2004) shows a couple apparently about to start shagging, while there is definite evidence of an alien handjob in Star Wars Galaxies (2003).


Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Scary Personals

www.scarypersonals.com is the home of the most terrifying personal ad photos on the net, or as they put it "Some personal ads are just begging to be made fun of. That's where we come in"

You can't begin to imagine what some of these people were thinking when they chose the photo to put online. The photo that would tell the world why they would be perfect dating material.

Amongst the pictures is one of a twenty-something woman in a plaid flannel jacket, sitting astride a large moose she has just killed. She is smiling, probably secure in the knowledge that any man looking would find her irresistible.

Then there's the man who looks like a young version of Hannibal Lecter with a goatee. He's holding a frightened-looking kitten in one hand, obviously to show how sensitive he is. Instead, you fear for the poor creature's safety.

Sex and shopping

Actor Paul Bettany must have been delighted when his wife, Oscar-winner Jennifer Connolly, shared with Esquire magazine (circulation around 700,000) that she liked do online shopping while she was having sex with him.

Sex on the side

Roxanne is the founder of sexontheside.com, and she has put together a slick video to introduce the service.

Her house is clearly quite hot, because she gradually removes her clothes while she talks about the history of her site. In brief, and to save you the trouble of watching an attractive woman disrobe, she "had needs" and was "frustrated." Her husband was spending too much time at the office, you see.

She then turned to the Internet, didn't like what was on offer, so started the sexontheside club.

I imagine you could find out a lot more if you (a) have a credit card and (b) are extremely gullible.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Bus Stop Knobs

One website which is guaranteed to bring out the sniggering 12-year-old in any man is the one dedicated to bus stop knobs. These are, of course, hastily drawn pictures of penises on bus shelters.

Ged Buckland, who started the site, saw his first bus stop knob in 1969 when he was six. “It was at the bus stop on Southport Road in Bootle, Liverpool”, he remembers fondly. “It was hastily drawn and looked like a cactus. My Mam caught me staring and gave me a clip around the ear”.

Luckily, this didn’t put him off from collecting snaps of the world’s finest bus stop knobs and putting them into an online gallery of what he proudly calls “A feast of phalluses, a plethora of public place peckers”


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Body for sale

Natasha, a Russian woman, is selling herself on the internet - in the sense that anyone can pimp their company (or themselves) on her near-naked body by buying advertising space on it.

The only areas not for sale are the head, genitals and nipples. The right arm and right thigh seem to be the most populated areas so far.

25-year-old Natasha describes herself as "A very shy blonde girl" who has realised
"that if she won’t do something in her life, all the good things, her desires and wishes will come past her…"

Amongst the advertisers who have already signed up are whitetrashsluts.com, Naughty European Girls Live and most bizarrely, a site showing photographs of Thai handcrafted wooden elephants.

Phone sex - the facts.

Phone sex is generally what you graduate to after cybersex and where you discover that the manly sexgod who got you so aroused online is a squeaky-voiced tongue-tied kid who sounds about 14.

And who now has your phone number.

The philosophical cowboy

Here's a tip. If you really want to impress a woman do not, repeat not, post pictures of yourself dressed as a cowboy onto your website.

Fitness trainer Peter Sullivan thought this would be a good way to nudge Lucy Holland, a pretty receptionist into going out with him. So he sent her the link with a note saying: "Before you make a choice, I wanted to give you a chance to check out my website. Tell me what you think. P."

He then and sat back and waited for her reaction to the macho shots, which included him displaying his rippling muscles while wearing a cowboy hat, kickboxing, sitting astride a motorbike and posing with his arm around a glamourous blonde.

The site also had proof that he wasn't just a pretty face, as Peter demonstrated his philosophical side by sharing thoughts like "Unless we have the right teacher in life we will forever crawl within the boundaries delimited by our own ignorance."

Unbelievably, Lucy wasn't impressed and found his efforts "cheesy". She forwarded his website link to a colleague saying: "He just e-mailed me (the blond cringer).". And within days it had multiplied in cyberspace, turning 25-year-old Mr Sullivan into an international figure of fun.

He was forced to remove most of the photographs and bizarre homespun philosophy from his site after it received more than 20,000 visits in one day.

To his credit, Peter didn't go into hiding and, rather endearingly, made several references to wearing "full cowboy regalia" and "keeping my cowboy wardrobe well stocked" on his homepage.

Eventually, the fame became too much and Peter took the site down.